After my epic fail last night at gray rock, a very smart lady pointed out what had happened right in front of me. I didn’t see it until she pointed it out. Now I feel like a heel for losing my temper.
Controlled chaos. Mister knew exactly what he was doing when he took over three hours to decide what he wanted for dinner. He knows that our daughter has a routine. He knows that I have a routine to ensure that her routine goes smoothly. He threw a monkey wrench in it, which caused tension but didn’t get a big enough emotional response from me. He got the response he was looking for when he went after the kittens.
In my friend’s words, “No routine. No regularity. No respect. Not even for himself.”
Bam! He got me. Again.
This very smart lady pointed out that it wasn’t about dinner or the kittens. It was about him being able to control the chaos he was creating. He was able to manipulate my emotions just enough to make him feel powerful. He got his fuel.
Today he is happy.
That’s how these people operate, isn’t it. They manipulate a situation until you look like a crazy person. When you react in a way that it outside of your normal character, they can say that you are abusing them. They can point out to other people how crazy you are and even convince you that there truly is something wrong with you.
It’s called ‘crazy making’ and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Now I’m kicking myself. I feel like an idiot.
Another lesson learned. He can eat soup tonight.
The Monster Beside Me 
I am reading your pages. I am living your life. And it all seems so subtle. Until you finally see it for what it really is. The story about the dinner is a weekly event in my house. He asked me what I wanted to eat last night, and I ran into my room and locked the door. Because no matter what I say, he will shoot it down. If I ask him to choose, he refuses. Then the back and forth arguing, until the kids are starving, and I am sick. Then he blames it all on me that we are hungry. The car is a nightmare. If someone mentions that he is hungry or thirsty, he explodes. How can we be hungry if we already ate breakfast? Driving like a maniac, refusing to pull over so we can gobble down our food without it spilling all over the car. I refuse to talk about food any more.
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That is the biggest problem with these kinds of people. It IS subtle. The abuse sneaks up on us until were in so deep, we have to plan our escape well in advance. Too many people say, “Just get over it.” Or “Why don’t you just leave?” Believe me, I want to! It takes time when he can’t know what I’m doing. I hope you can get out soon. I hope that you have planned your escape and are in the process of implementing it. If not yet, it’s not too late to start. You deserve happiness. Don’t ever let him convince you that you don’t.
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Thank you so much for sharing. Please keep writing. I have taped his rages, journal led about it all, and still have a hard time accepting it. It helps to read others experiences, and the validation is healing. I need a way out. I’m financially dependent on him. I was agoraphobic for awhile because of the abuse. Much stronger now. Sending strength to you and we’ll wishes.
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This is difficult. Writing this blog brings up memories that I once thought were sweet but now I see the abuse. I am also financially dependent on Mister. He doesn’t know that I secretly work online and am storing that money up in paypal. When you are ready, start a plan to escape. There are checklists of everything that you need so you won’t forget anything important. It is a process but it’s worth it. We’ll get through this. Big hugs!
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My wife was the same exact way. She would go out of her way to control certain situations and when I became overwhelmed with it all I would point out what I was feeling and she would turn it around and accuse me of being the one out of control and abusive. It’s crazy how they will push and push and when you react accordingly they use it as a way to make you look like the crazy one, the one that causes the problems, and before I knew it I was in shutdown survival mode feeling like an idiot. She knew exactly what buttons to push. It felt like she was enjoying watching me feel like crap. The sad part is how many times I apologized for the chaos she created!
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