I was cleaning out a dresser drawer today and I found a stack of love letters that Mister had written to me years ago. I read some of them. I tried to read all of them but I couldn’t force myself to do it.
What I took for loving devotion when he wrote those letters looks completely different to me now. There are the typical “I love you’s” but now that I look at them in the context of what was happening when he wrote each one, all I am seeing is crap.
“I love you, baby and I wouldn’t have gotten mad if you had just….”
“I will improve my communication skills if you….”
“We are going to be so happy when…..”
“Please forgive me for all of my faults. You know I had to forgive yours.”
“You don’t know the extent of my love. The main purpose That I will share with you when you….”
“I love you and forgive you of what you are and are not aware of me knowing.”
“I have a gift of discernment from God. I KNOW things, Baby, even though I would choose not to.”
What was I thinking? How on earth did I mistake any of that for love? Now that I have an education that I never wanted, all I see is control, manipulation, grandiose fantasies, gas lighting…
How am I not insane?
Maybe I am. Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. Have I always been crazy? Have I always doubted myself and looked to him for answers? Why did I put so much trust in him? The hell is wrong with me?