Is it forest or fog?

Can’t see the forest for the trees or walking through thick fog….same difference this week. I have been having flashbacks of some not so good times in the early years of our marriage and wondering why I didn’t catch the blatant disrespect that was thrown at me time and time again.

I know that I have to forgive myself for what I didn’t know but now that I do know, looking back makes me feel like an idiot. Hindsight being a bitch again.

I think that I do have a handle on why he got so upset when I told him that I will be moving my best friend in with me when I leave. She knows what he is. He doesn’t want anyone around here to know what he is. We moved here a dozen years ago from another state. Here, he is Mr. Nice Guy to everyone outside of our home. He is Mr. Family Man and Mr. Perfect. But she has seen his true face repeatedly over the years and she doesn’t like him.

It was just a tiny little peek into his brain when he told me that she would not be allowed to live with me when our divorce is final. He said he would not tolerate it. Then he was told that he has no control anymore. I think that not only did I inflict narcissistic injury but I mucked up his plans for later.

If my best friend, being someone who knows what he is, lives with me, how will he ever stalk me? How, when he manages to find out where I live, will he be able to mess with my mind and home, thereby making me look crazy, if someone else who lives with me is all ready on to him? How can he harass me and then deny it if she is there?

When this dawned on me, it felt like solid, undeniable truth. Why else would he have gotten so upset over my future plans without him? Believe me, he isn’t hurt on any normal emotional level that we are divorcing. He is angry that I will fight for my half of our property. He is angry that I refuse to allow him to choose my next house – Yes, he did insist that he choose my next home and only give me the amount of money for our property that he thinks I deserve. He framed it as though he was being generous. He then proceeded to call me everything but a white woman when I told him that it is up to the judge to decide. Not him. He is angry that I am no longer allowing the manipulation.

Am I getting bolder with him? Yes. Should I? I really don’t know. I know it angers him but I am so completely fed up. Looking back over nearly twenty-two years together and seeing what I have to show for it is disheartening.

With the exception of my eighteen year old, my children are grown and out on their own. I am proud of them. They are wonderful people. My babies aside, what do I have? A career? He sabotaged that. I am just now sneaking around to get it back on track. Our house and land will have to be sold so I can’t claim to be a home owner. My Jeep is gasping its final breaths. I have no savings. He ruined my credit. I am starting over.

He said that I will get nothing. I all ready have that. I don’t suppose I have anything to be afraid of then. Except…Mister makes me nervous. I don’t trust him. I have this strong feeling that he’s up to something. I hope not but it seems to me that if love doesn’t kill you, hope will do the job.

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