…and so it begins

I haven’t posted to this blog in nearly a year. Where do you begin in telling your truth? How did I get here in the first place? I had a lot of soul searching to do. The more answers I found, the more questions I had. ‘Why’ is the big one.

I am like a two  year old child always asking ‘why?’. Not because I am annoying but because I really want to know. I need to know. Why did this happen to me? Why does he behave the way that he does? Why did I not put two and two together before? Just, why?

My husband was diagnosed as a sociopathic narcissist. He rejected that diagnosis out of hand. We went to marriage counseling, according to him, to find out what was wrong with me. Not him. There is nothing wrong with him. I am the one with the ‘issues’.

With the exception of “Hello”, I didn’t get a single word out of my mouth during our counseling sessions. Mister (the name I refer to him as because he reminds me of Danny Glover’s character on The Color Purple) spent our over priced hours reciting his long list of my flaws. Character flaws, physical flaws, mental flaws, sexual flaws. He went on and on. It was like, “Here is what is wrong with her. Now fix her. There is nothing wrong with me. I am only here so you can fix all of these things that I have spent three sessions listing for you.”

Because I never got past “Hello” and because he never shut his mouth, the counselor focused on him with great interest while I sat quietly listening to this man who said he loves me, tear me apart. Unbeknownst to me, I was also being observed.

Mister couldn’t make it to our fourth session. He was working out of town. I went by myself. That is when I was told that my husband is a sociopathic narcissist and that I needed to run as quickly and quietly as I could. I was told to make an escape plan and implement it without his knowledge. Our counselor’s exact words to me were,”If he hasn’t all ready, this man will hurt you. You can not tell him when you are leaving or where you are going. That is when it is the most dangerous with someone like him. That is when women are killed.”

He directed me to a website written by a sociopathic narcissist. I read all about my life in those pages. It was like this man had taught my husband his playbook. It made me physically ill to read how cold and calculating people with this disorder can be.

That was the last time I got to speak in a session. For me, it was the last session because at the next meeting, our counselor referred Mister to a psychiatrist but offered to continue to counsel me. Mister took that as the ultimate insult and accused our counselor of hitting on me and a slew of other things. No more counseling.

I am grateful that I had that one session. I could finally put a name to what was happening and I could educate myself. The education I’m getting isn’t one that I would wish on anyone but it helps me to understand Mister and learn ways to protect myself until I can get out.

I have learned Gray Rock. Something I will cover in the next post. I have learned terms like triangulation, narcissistic supply, love bombing, gas lighting, crazy making, future faking, devalue and discard. I have learned that self work sucks but it is absolutely necessary in order to understand why I attracted a predator and how to spot the red flags in the future.

I have learned a lot about me and more than I ever wanted to know about sociopathy and narcissism. Now I have to heal what is left of me, get myself out and build a new future. I can do this. If you are with one of these disordered people, you can do this too.